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Written by Sri Swami Chandrashekarendra
Saraswati |
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Our women must give up their fondness for diamonds and silks. This will
be great help to our family and social life. Indeed womanhood itself
will
stand to gain and stridharma will flourish. Woman should think of the
millions of silkworms killed to make the sari with which they drape
themselves. They claim that they are vegetarians. So should they not
feel
remorse about being indirectly responsible for the destruction of
countless silkworms because of their love of silk saris. If women of
wellto-
do families realise this and stop wearing silk, they will no longer set
a
bad example to their less fortunate sisters. It is because if the
example of
the wealthy that the poor too hanker after silks and diamonds. Then the
groom's people bring pressure on the bride's parents for silks and
diamond studs. This is one reason for the marriage of girls being
delayed.
It is a crime to have turned the marriage samskara into an economic
problem. After all, we too have daughters. That being so, merely because
we belong to the groom's family, we cannot take an arrogant attitude and
dictate terms to the bride's family, demanding this and that. We should
not lay down conditions like Shylock and tell the girl's parents: "Give
us a
big dowry, bring us expensive vessels, bring us diamonds and silks".
Such
behaviour is unpardonable: it is one reason why girls remain unmarried,
pining away at home. If you happen to be the groom's parents you must
satisfy yourself about the girl's character, family, etc. "This girl
will be the
Laksmi of our home and she will brighten it": with such thoughts you
must accept the bride, without laying down any conditions for the
marriage and without insisting that you must receive gifts in the form
of
money, jewellery and so on.
In this matter women have a special responsibility. They must naturally
have respect and sympathy for fellow women. When they celebrate their
son's marriage they must conduct themselves in the manner I suggested
earlier. The presents given by other parents to their sons-in-law must
not
be an example for them to make similar demands. On the contrary, they
must set an example to the parents of other prospective grooms, telling
themselves: "Why should we be guilty of the sort of wrongs that others
have committed? We will try to bring about a change and set an example
for others to follow". This is how our motherhood must be motivated.
"We gave a dowry to the groom's people when our daughter was
married". Or: "My father gave a dowry to my in-laws when I was married,
so there is nothing wrong if I accept the same now". You must be warned
against taking such an attitude. This evil custom of dowry that
undermines our very dharma must be done away with. Someone must
take the first step [take the lead] in a spirit of sacrifice. People
make
sacrifices in this or that cause. If their village is included in a
neighbouring
district a hundred or a hundred thousand people rise on protest and
court arrest. Some of the agitators set fire to themselves. Shouldn't we
make a little sacrifice in the cause of preserving the great ideals of
our
womanhood?
Women come to see me and seek my blessings, saying: "We recite the
Saundaryalahari, the Abirami Antadi". What they do is commendable. But
they would deserve the compassion of Amba better if they sincerely
followed my advice in the matter of marriage. They must not dictate
terms regarding dowry, jewellery, gifts, and so on, and must agree to
the
marriage alliance with their whole heart. There are girls like them, or
rather women, who are getting on in years but still remain unmarried.
They are emotionally disturbed and nurse a hurt to their sense of honour
because of their sad predicament, but may be later they will become so
hardened as to have no feelings whatsoever. You must try to change the
system that is responsible for the fate of such women. If your hearts
melt
in sympathy for them Amba will also look upon you with a kind eye.
You cannot justify the acceptance of a dowry and other gifts on the
pretext that they are given by the girl's parents on their own. This can
lead to others also doing the same and cause a bad chain reaction. If
the
girl's parents give a dowry on their own, they will expect the same from
the parents of their son's bride. You must refuse a dowry even when it
is
given voluntarily. If the girl's people are wealthy you may tell them:
"Don't give us any money. If you wish you may give it your daughter in
the form of stridhana. "
The groom's parents spend on clothes, travel, etc, and expect the
expenses to be "reimbursed" by the girl's parents. This is not at all
justified. They must tell themselves: "Our son is getting married. Why
shouldn't we ourselves spend for it? It is shameful to take money from
someone else to buy our own requirements. Will it not mean that we
can't afford them ourselves?" Unfortunately, people think that they have
certain rights and privileges as the groom's parents and fleece the
bride's
people by intimidating or browbeating them. Whether the dowry is given
voluntarily or out of compulsion, it is money stolen. It is all a
vicious circle
that causes injury to society itself. We must somehow see to it that
this
evil system of dowry is scrapped. |
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